Emotional Tolls

It Only Takes One Domino To Fall

Emotional tolls are getting the best of me. I have been extremely depressed lately. It's because I can't do the things I want to do for others mostly. I sustained a neck injury in 2008 which was one of the most significant times in my life. I should also mention, it was also the most physically painful thing I've ever experienced. It could have been lessened if I had just gone to the ER immediately. I choose not to though, because it was the middle of the night and I didn't want to disrupt the family, just because I was in pain. I had no idea of the seriousness of my issue, because it came about while I was sleeping....how bad could it be, right? Which brings me to why I've been so depressed. Physical pain was not the only tolls I would pay for this unexplained occurrence.

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I'm a People Pleaser

Very few things in life make me happy. The one thing that always makes me happy is being able to please others. To help when I'm able, to do what I can, for those that I love makes me happy. Being with those I love and doing nearly anything with someone I love, is just more fun and I enjoy it a great deal. I HATE being alone! Never could see anything wrong with that until a few years ago. I knew it was the reason things were as they were, but figured it was only because the one I was pleasing the most, simply didn't appreciate it and that was why I didn't fight the divorce.

He filed, knowing full well, if I had done to him what he'd done to me, he had every right, so he wanted to beat me to it. I was glad that he file, like a sign that this is the direction that needed to be taken. I'm not entirely sure I would have ever filed. I may have actually continued to just roll with the flow, but one heck of a lot wiser. Since he confirmed my suspicions that he didn't love me as he claimed, why on earth would I continue to stay.

Second Chance

I wanted a chance to meet someone who cared as much for me as I did them, we would both try to make each other happy. I was feeling so betrayed, empty, unfeeling and numb. Not just because he didn't love me like I once loved him, it was because of the things he had done as well. Another story another time perhaps. Will just say this....that's because I always did what I could to keep everyone happy, it opened a lot of doors that should never have been opened. Not saying everyone would have shut them, but I know not many would have actually stepped inside. I had no idea I would be paying tolls for doing what I thought was a good thing. I'd like a second chance at love, without opening so many doors.

In this article by PsycheCentral describes so much I can relate to. It's called "Are You A People-Pleaser". Take a look, are you a people pleaser? I had no idea as I was writing this I would hit so many nails on the head. It was just me writing down my feelings and needing to vent, perhaps even asking for help in some strange way. I just don't understand. I ran across this article looking to see if I could find a reference that could better explain what was going through my mind. They did a very good with the article. I disagreed only a few times, but then again, maybe I'm just not seeing it yet.

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High Price Of Pleasing- The Tolls We Pay

One wouldn't think that being a person who enjoyed doing things to make those they love happy, would be a bad thing. I, myself, am reconsidering my way of thinking. The tolls I have paid and the tolls others have had to pay are just not worth it. If I was not a people pleaser many things that have caused my children emotional tolls to pay for my mistake of wanting to make everyone happy.

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I Should Be Happy

I have my kids in my life all the time, they love and respect me. My home is all mine...the land it sits on is a lot which I have to rent, but the house is mine and I've made it home for my family that is much cheaper than most. I've got a mini van that enables me to go to the store to buy food and run errands. Should be enough to make anyone happy......right? For someone like me it's missing too many things that make me tick.

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What Would Make Me Happy

A friend asked me why I was so consumed with coming up with a way to make money. I'm always trying to figure out how someone like me, with my health issues can make a decent living. I often bounce them off her to get her opinion, so I think she has heard most of them. She said, "Is money the only thing that will make you happy?" I had to pause, because I was shocked that she said it. I had no idea she saw it that way. It wasn't what was driving me at all. Money can not buy happiness, but it can enable a people pleaser to please those they care about.

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All I Have Ever Wanted

As long as I can remember all I've ever wanted was to be happy. So many times I recall praying and saying, "dear God, all I want is to be happy, is it really asking to much". Certainly if I make others happy then I should deserve to be happy as well. In the long run all I've ever done was make others happy and since I can't make everyone happy, I'll never be happy.  After 50 years is it possible to change?

Is it possible to remove the one thing (making others happy) that does make you happy from your life? The same thing (not being able to make others happy) that makes you miserable as well? I removed those who do not need or appreciate all I do for them to make them happy and that has only added to my unhappiness.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, not even cutting off my arm will free me I'm afraid. The procedure would tear me to pieces to be set free. Just as when I was laying on the floor quietly crying in agony, so I wouldn't disturb those I love, I will just hide my pain, so the ones I love won't know I am in distress. It's who I am, I can't change who I am. I can't change my health and I can't right all the wrongs.

I'm obviously doing something wrong to be seen as someone who is unworthy of the love and compassion I give to others. I can't even give it to myself, so what is that saying about me. I've messed things up so badly, it's overwhelming and I really see no way to fix things at this stage of the game.

My Conclusion

As I was writing this, I know what the bottom line to my freedom for my depression is. Even if I were able to work and provide for my family, I'd still be burdened with something that eats at me nearly every day. It's nothing to cry about daily, but it's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, the one that you get when something makes you shutter to think of it and you have to quickly remove the thought because you just can't handle the thought. It crosses the line and goes beyond your level of comprehension. I feel a strong desire for justice that I just can't shake. It's similar to that of a need for closure for the death of someone you loved, that had their life taken by another.

Justice

I want justice for my kids. Someone got away with murder (not literally) and my children and I have been the ones who is paying for it. It was 1st degree, planned out and executed, taking my life and destroying so much that I held dearly. This has caused my children distress beyond what they are able to cope with at their age. I feel a strong need for justice, but I know it will never happen, it's too late for that and justice would be for him to feel the same kind of pain. It's impossible for such a selfish person to feel such a thing. The damage has been done. That alone is a major reason for my depression, no hope for justice.

Revenge

Now it has turned to wanting revenge, I want this person to pay some how for what they have done. To even go so far as just admit it and apologize would be better than noting, but I can't even get that. I got an admission a few times, but they never showed any remorse.  I do not want revenge by wishing anything bad to happen to them, it's just not in me to wish something like that. I'm even nice to them for the sake of the kids. I wish no harm to anyone.

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you have any advise as to how to just stop being who you are?
Will I ever have the only thing I have ever wanted or is being happy simply out of reach for those who are happy when the ones they love are happy too and only you can make them happy, but you just can't do what is to make it happen?
Should my ability to be happy have to stem from their ability to be happy?
Like the lost elephant, am I simply carrying their grief? Am I more upset about it all than they are? If they never recover completely from what has happened, will I always be blaming myself for their unhappiness, even though it's not really my fault?
Will I ever feel vindicated some how?

The one time I put my foot down and demand some respect and insist that I get what I want for a change, it destroyed my children's lives as they know it. If I had kept my misery to myself and kept my mouth shut, at least it would have saved my kids from a lot of pain and despair. I just never imagined it would have played out the way it did, not in my wildest dreams. They were hurt terribly only because he wanted to hurt me. They were just innocent bystanders that were hurt because I wanted to be happy. How on earth can someone get over such a thing? How on earth could someone do such a thing. It's very distressful.

The power of thinking

I've cried my eyes out, I've asked for help (in my round about way of asking), I understand a few more things and I got a few things off my chest. I feel better now and actually feel as though I can think about something else and not be paralyzed by my feelings. Writing, reading and thinking as I write helps, even if no one is listening except for myself. I hear what I am saying, through what I'm thinking, which are not always the same thing.

Give me a sign that I'm really not all that different than most and making others happy is a good thing, when someone actually deserves it. I'd hate to think my whole life has been nothing but a big mistake all along. Living to please others is no way to live if you ever want to be happy. Tell me it isn't true. Tell me there is hope for a pleaser.

 

Update 2017

It's been a while and I've finally found some peace. To consume myself with so much grief, despair, anxiety, blame and the frustration of it all was no way to live. I was tearing myself up inside. It was only after I learned to let got of all that, I found peace of mind. He had his reasons and I didn't understand them, probably never will. I accept things for what they are. It's the past, water under the bridge and it's over, because I'm over it. I won't forget it, can't forget it, but not going to relive it over and over. I can't forgive him, but I can accept him for who he is and I quit trying to fix him. He's no longer my husband and that's all that really matters. 

I made a choice to refuse to give him any power over me and my emotions. He lost that privilege a long time ago, when I stopped loving him. When I took away that power, I was set free and oh boy, does it ever feel good. I have to smile whenever I think about him trying to tick me off. Whenever he does it, it means he is not in a very good emotional state of being. I find that when he is happy, he would leave me alone, but whenever he was miserable, he tried to make me miserable too. I smile because, he just going to have to be miserable all by himself, because I don't give him the power to change my moods. He gets no rise out of me, because he's NOBODY. 🙂