Update: Brokenhearted – Healing My Broken Heart 5-08-17
Well, it’s been about 6 months now and I’m still heartbroken, but it’s getting better. I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about being able to Love again. I still can’t quite bring myself to move on just yet, but it’s getting close. I know that I need to move on. Getting over the “I still love you” hump takes time. I do know one thing; In the beginning, I couldn’t even fathom the thought of being with anyone but him, but now, I’m beginning to entertain the thought now and then. It’s progress and I’ll take it.
It has not been easy to get this far. I’ve had a lot of anxiety, sadness, shed a lot of tears and I’ve bitten my tongue more times than I can count. The anxiety comes from a fear that I’ll never meet anyone like him again. Once I accepted that I was indeed never going to meet someone like that again, it began to ease the anxiety. Acceptance is a very big part of healing. I had never met anyone like him before and yet I loved him with all my heart. Chances are, the next “love” of my life could be unlike anyone I have ever met and the love will be every bit as grand as this one was. It will still be Love, just different.
I bite my tongue every time I want to ask him anything. The only answer I really do need, he has already given me. He simply doesn’t care and that is the bottom line, answer to all my questions. I really did love him, so why would I want cause him grief. He has moved on, I need to do the same and I will.
I still have a very hard time when I’m alone with nothing to do. Leaving my mind free to think about how much I love(d) him is dangerous. I have to do it now and then, so I can get past it. I still feel a physical pain in my heart and I recall the love I felt. Then I recall the flaws he had, that I really don’t want my partner in life to have. The flaws that perhaps were the deal breakers that I just didn’t see.
Nearly Ready
I’m getting close to the point of being ready to move on. I had thoughts of just going out and finding a replacement for what was lost. Like one man said to me in a message he sent. “The only reason your single is because you choose to be, because I’m right here and you haven’t even given me a chance”. This was of course a reply to a message I had sent him stating he wasn’t what I was looking for. He’s right, I don’t have to be single….I could have a man in my life pretty easily. I just can’t fly that way.
There were reasons for the rejection. He was always on the defensive in our messages and a few other things I do not recall. The biggest one, was that I wasn’t ready to move on. I was still hoping to find someone that had the qualities I loved about him, in them. Never going to happen, nope, you’ll never find it, not in a million years. Took me a while to see this. The key is to find someone who is not like them. The basics, general things like honesty, temper, values and such, you do want to find. The things like the way they walk, smile, sense of humor, general demeanor, the whole package thing that makes someone seem so wonderful, should be different.
He exposed me to things that excited me and sparked life within myself. I get to take that all with me. Now it’s time for some new sparks. Sparks that are inspired by others and myself. I have a good feeling about this year. Feels like change is coming, a good change for a change…..lol, grins
Proof Of Love
I have to laugh at myself. There are times that it feels like I would be “cheating” on him if I were to move on. Pretty stupid, I know. Will it give him the message that I didn’t really love him, because I was able to move on? Kind of justifies his take on love. Easy come, easy go. It’s all about the game, once they get checkmate and their opponent has surrendered, professed their love, it’s over for them. They don’t want to play any more. The opponent is then suppose to get fed up and move on. So much for love, which justifies the behavior of the victor. My problem was, I couldn’t take a hint.
Perhaps I was the only one who actually loved him, flaws and all. He would often point out, what I imagine were all the “faults” his former girlfriends would throw in his face as they walk out the door. maybe I was suppose to agree with him and it would lead to some kind of argument and I’d then get mad and move out. From the very beginning he tried to talk me out of being with him. As if to warn me, knowing full well, he would break my heart. Since I did not heed his warning, I agreed to it. This way, he can still sleep at night………..See, I’m not completely stupid, I know full well what an ass hole he is, but he was an ass hole I loved very much.
I decide to provide my “proof of Love” by wanting to move on and find love again. If love was terrible, why would you want to do it again? He gave me no choice, but to get over it and move on. Be careful what you wish for Mister. I’ve granted a few wishes that have left them with regrets, not my problem now 🙂 If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what is. I’m certainly not going to live my life wishing things were different and deprive myself. Love is not self sustaining, it take two hearts to create that beat. You can not love someone else if you do not have love and respect for yourself. I have that and it’s time to prove it, by moving on.
It’s actually a little exciting……..here goes nothing, that I hope becomes something 🙂
Something that will turn my world upside down and change my life forever. Taking baby steps, but every step, is a step in the right direction. I’m doing a few things too, to change my life forever. I quit smoking and I’m trying to make friends in this area too.
To Be Continued