From Emotional Tolls
This night lead to a chain of events I had absolutely no control over. As if there were carefully placed dominoes throughout my life that were hiding things and this was going to topple them all over. I was going to see things clearly and know things that I simply wish I never knew. Ignorance is bliss, you know. As each domino fell it would reveal something else. I simply couldn’t deny they were revealing the truth. I had been lied to, manipulated, taken advantage of and just plain disrespected for a very long time. I had made a horrible mistake marrying a man that I now really didn’t like very much. “How on earth could he do such a thing” kept running through my mind. I couldn’t wrap my head around this notions, because I, myself, could never do such a thing. I would always sacrifice my own happiness for those I love.
I had unknowingly stood by and supported someone that was sacrificing their entire family to get what they wanted. Their deception for their own selfish gains was all I could see, because it was all I could understand. I lost all respect for them and without respect, there can be nothing else. I’d like to think it was really just some twisted idea that wasn’t thought through and they truly had hopes of an outcome that would make it worth our sacrifices in the end. . I’d like to believe it, but I know this was not the case. Events that followed proved this was not the case. People make mistakes that have good intentions, but to repeat the mistake knowing how much it will hurt those you love, is no mistake. To intentionally set out to destroy someone you claim to love, which included not caring who else could be hurt by your actions, gave my fears validity. You obviously love yourself more than you love anyone else, if your willing to sacrifice them to make your life easier. There were options, but deception seemed to be the easiest route in their eyes.
I can not lay all the blame on them. I am to blame for allowing it to get to a point that it was even possible. I opened doors, I let temptation reveal itself. I was so busy trying to keep everyone happy, I didn’t even see what I was enabling to unfold. I had made it too easy to deceive and take advantage of me. Not by choice, it was just the type of person I was. I honestly believed, we as a couple, were on the same page, when in reality, we were not even reading the same book. A few years prior to my injury, I stated to my cousin, who was also a dear friend, “so help me god, if he is lying to me about any of this, I will divorce him so fast it will make his head spin”. I was going through emotional hell because of his actions and if it were because of a lie, it would be obvious, he didn’t love me or anyone else for that matter. I had I gave him the benefit of the doubt and justified it, by convincing myself, that no one could do such a thing.
He had lied to me and everyone else about the severity of a back injury. I defended him, I stood up for him and tried to do anything I could to make him know it wasn’t his fault he got hurt. I did what I could not to complain about our situation because of it. I thought they were beating themselves up enough in their mind already. I kept a stiff upper lip and insured them, we would be just fine and it was just a bump in the road that we could overcome it together. It wasn’t until I experienced nerve pain myself that I realized he was not suffering from a disabling injury.
Like how a cheater will accuse others of cheating, he would treat me as if I had absolutely nothing physically wrong with me after either of my neck surgeries. When in fact, I was not okay and I was in pain and could no longer do everything I use to do, even though I tried like hell to continue to do them. When I’d cringe or declare I was not up to a task, he would feel I was only doing it or saying it because I simply didn’t want to or feel like doing it. That’s what he would do, so why would I do things any differently. I was different though, I wanted to make those I care about happy. Doing things for those I love made me happy and not being able to do things was very distressful for me.
I tired to get past it. I tried to forget it, but because the blinders were off, I kept seeing things happen over and over again that told me I simply had to stick up for myself and the kids or nothing was ever going to change. I was becoming this shell of a person that felt as though I was on the outside of my life, looking in through a window and couldn’t get my attention to tell me something was very wrong with how things were going. My life seemed to have no value, because I had placed it’s value on how much I was valued. I had to make a choice. I had to sacrifice myself or I had to sacrifice our family unit as it had always been. I just couldn’t sacrifice myself any longer, I was spent, all used up and it was tearing me to pieces. Our family unit was broken because he was only pretending to be a part of it and I had to let him know, it was not going to be tolerated any longer. Now the choice I made is doing the same thing, but for entirely different reasons. Can I not win for losing?