From Emotional Tolls
I don’t like confrontations, so I’ll usually find a solution which is usually at my own expense. Small price to pay for peace in my eyes.
I can’t stoop to a level I do not feel is right, for my own selfish gains or to try to get even if someone has done me wrong. Even if it seems justified. Do unto others, an eye for an eye and all. I just can’t do it. If it isn’t right for them to do it to me, it certainly isn’t right for me to do the same to them.
Pleasers will often do things the hard way on their own before asking others for help and this can often cause more distress and emotional tolls than simply asking for help. That would mean asking them to please you, with some kind of cost to them, be it time or what ever. A pleaser finds this difficult to ask, they may bring something up with hopes of an offer, but rarely ask. At least that’s what this pleaser tends to do.
Pleasers also know how it feels to really not want to do something for someone else, but will just to please the other person when they ask. After all they wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important, a pleaser can only relate to how they feel if they have a need to ask…it’s a last resort for a pleaser. If they are happy in the end and you have made them happy, the pleaser is happy because of it. This leaves you wide open to be taken advantage of.
When someone would dig a big hole, I’d do my best to help them, out. Which also involved me paying the same price as they do for their mistake. They’re happier and that’s what counts, so now I can do what I can to figure out how to get out of the smaller hole that has really remained the same size, just split in two.
They say that a people pleaser is more likely to be bullied and picked on in school. I just thought it was because I was skinny and had buck teeth.
We also try to help when help is not needed. Often those you are simply trying to help see it as something else. Pleasers offer help that others would not offer without reason, so they can not understand what your reasoning is other than something that is directed towards their abilities. “No one would do this for no reason”, type thinking. I’ve been misunderstood by many and that is one thing I absolutely hate about who I am. I’m trying to think twice before throwing in an idea or trying to be helpful when I haven’t been asked. I never want anyone to think I’m doing it because I do not think they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. I’m doing it because I care. It’s hard to explain.
I think I became a tomboy as a child was because I wanted to please both of my parents as well as my brother and sister. I could do girl stuff as well as boy stuff. I was the baby of the family. My sister was first born and my brother came next in line. They had bonded by the time I came along and there seemed to be no place for me, so I made a place. I wanted to please everyone. My dad use to say “I have three kids, one of each”. I use to love it when he would say that. I knew I had a place that was appreciated by my father. I was special in his eyes.
My brother and sister often picked on me and overall I didn’t feel they liked me very much. I did everything I could, to try to have them like me and accept me into the sibling group. It just wasn’t going to happen.
I’m sure a lot of it had to do with gender and age. My sister was seven years older and my brother was three years older. My brother and sister didn’t “hang out” together, but when it came to entertainment for the evening when mom and dad were gone, tormenting their little sister was high on the list. Not saying I didn’t say or do something to get it started, can’t remember details of every time, but know they took it too far a few times. It was easy to make me cry because I was so sensitive and caring about things. Easy to take advantage of, because they would also talk me into not telling mom and dad by being nice to me for a little while to get what they wanted. Or I would keep quiet so they would not get in trouble. It bothered me very much when they would get punished for something, so it made me happy to know I could do something that would keep it from happening. Always figure they would return the favor some day down the road, but do not recall if it ever happened. They were not people pleasers, so they didn’t try to make me happy as I did with them.
I had no idea adults actually do the exact same thing to people pleasers. Not at all indicating my brother or sister have acted this way at all. I still love them and feel the same way I have always felt. I don’t blame them at all for the distance we have between us. I’m just not the most lovable person on earth and my self worth is in the toilet most of the time.
Some adults take advantage of a pleaser to suit their own needs and then when they no longer need you, your out the door. It may not have been their intentions from the beginning, but because a pleaser will open doors that others may not, it’s easy for them to ease you out one of them, usually in a way in which they do not burn any bridges leading to that door. They may need you for something again some time.
There are also those who burn the bridge and everything around it to avoid having to admit they were intentionally taking advantage of you. Those are the ones who can never accept responsibility for their actions, it’s always someone else’s fault for one reason or another. They can not risk others finding out what they have done, so they want you as far away as possible. They can’t risk being exposed for who they really are or what they have done.
Others pay tolls as well for the action of a pleaser, such as myself. I always tried to make my kids happy and this can be damaging. I do not believe they developed the skills to be able to comfort themselves. When they are unhappy, someone will “fix” it. I do not believe they are able to appreciate how nice it is to have someone to nice things for you. It becomes expected and even demanded at times.They have a hard time coping with dispair on their own, because I would fix it when I could as soon as I could. I wasn’t a push over, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t one of “those” kinds of mom. Just things like making sure to fix everyone what they like for dinner and if they liked something someone else didn’t like, I’d be sure to make that for them when I was able to make something else for the other, like left overs from the previous night. I didn’t do things to the extreme, just a constant consistency on my end. Just all typical stuff, like not eating that piece of cake, when I really wanted that piece of cake, so someone else could have it, cancel my plans if it made anyone unhappy about me going, sorts of things. Doing this did not teach my children how it feels to have somebody else be selfish very well. I think it has made them kind of selfish at times. They often do not want to do as I ask or to do things for me, because they do not know how it feels to NOT have someone do things for them that makes them happy. Me making them happy is expected, them making me happy has eluded them. I screwed up and I don’t know how to fix it now.