From Emotional Tolls
I cry all the time, I’m always worried about making everyone I love happy. If it were just me in this life, I wouldn’t worry how my life is affecting those that I love. I can’t honestly be happy unless they are happy. I don’t know how to be any other way. How can this be such a bad thing? Stressing out and worrying about how to keep everyone happy is making me miserable, but when everyone is happy, I’m less miserable. My kids being in my life makes me very happy, I love them to pieces and wouldn’t change anything if it meant I couldn’t have my kids, but the responsibility of caring for them on my own makes me very unhappy and stressed out. My hands are tied as to my options for this.
My home is hard to maintain by myself. When the pipes leak or the drain needs to be fixed, I have to do it myself or it wouldn’t get done because I simply can’t afford to hire someone and I have no one to ask to help me. I feel useful and happy to have managed to be able to tackle something and take care of what needs to be done, but my health issues are often compromised in the process. I try not to be a burden to anyone. Survival of the fittest, I’m determined to survive. I never take into consideration that perhaps it would make someone happy to be able to do something that would make me happy. I never give them the chance to be a pleaser themselves, which confuses me. I know how happy it makes me, so why deprive others of doing the same and getting the same reward I get out of it. Makes no sense at all. Perhaps that is why my kids are not the same as me or they are and don’t have a clue what to do with it. I never gave them the chance to.
Is my unhappiness what drives me to want to makes others happy so badly? Is something deep down driving me to make them happy because I want someone to want to make me happy? I am always on the look out to see where I can be helpful. It is not intentional, I don’t give it a thought when I’m doing it. It’s only after closely evaluating myself, I find this to be true. I even try to help when no help is needed and that, as I mentioned before, as a price for pleasing, is also not good. I honestly just want to be helpful, there is no other reason at all.
I hate being alone. This scares me to death. I still want to be a wife and mother. I miss being married to someone I love, I enjoyed it, I really want that back. I didn’t give it up, it was taken from me and it upsets me a great deal. When I was thinking about what it would mean if I were to file for a divorce if my husband did not comply to my demands, I thought to myself, “I would rather be alone, than to continue like this”. I disliked being married to him, more than I hated the thought of being alone.
There was a chance that I wouldn’t have to be alone for too long. I was no longer in love, I was open to letting someone new in my life. Now I’m afraid that may never happen. I’m just to conforming for people to understand.
I had a boyfriend once say, “you know, you don’t have to eat only the things I like to eat”. He was quite picky and his diet was terrible. I didn’t mind, I was no longer hungry and I liked the taste, so we were both happy. However, I don’t think he could understand how it was so easy for me to change. He never liked to try new things if he had had something similar that he didn’t like and he wasn’t going to make any changes in his life because of me, so why on earth would I be so willing to make changes for him. Because having someone you love in your life changes everything, at least for me it does. Everything worth having has some kind of price. The question is, are you willing to pay. I’m not very happy, so I’m not sure it’s really worth the cost.
If when I die and my life has continued on the path it has been on, pretty much my entire life, I’m going to be mad as hell. He’s got some “splaining to do”. Why on earth would I be give a heart so caring and selfless if it was only going to cause me pain. I don’t understand.