From Emotional Tolls
When my second born daughter lost her favorite little purple elephant when she was very young, I think I was more heartbroken than she was. My daughter cried before she went to bed because “mumfie” wasn’t there. Because I always tried to make her happy, I would always make sure to find mumfie at bed time so she could sleep with him. Maybe I was partially to blame for why she was so attached to that little purple elephant. She loved it from the first time she saw it, but would she have loved it as much, if I hadn’t encouraged it? I’d have her bring it everywhere, because I knew she liked it. See had like other toys equally as much here and there, her blanket was what she loved from the start and she still has it today. Now that mumfie is, gone, my daughter is upset and sobbing for her little elephant so she can go to sleep. If I had given her other options or had her choose for herself more often for what to take, perhaps one of those other options would have been fine for her now. I didn’t realize how damaging trying to please people can be until just a few months ago.
I was actually more upset about her losing this toy than she was, because I cared so much about wanting her to be happy and couldn’t stand it that she was sad, my heart would just ache when I would think about how her feelings and I was helpless to make it better. I simply could not give her what she needed at that time. I failed to insure that favorite toy would always be there when she needed it. She got over it rather quickly. In a few days I got her another one, just like the one she had, but she knew the difference and didn’t care to like this one the same way she had felt for the other one. Or it could be that she was angry at it for making her so sad and refused to let herself love it again, in fear of what could happen. Who really knows how a child processes things like that. She had chose something else and was happy with that, but I couldn’t shake off the pain she had felt and went though. I thought about it for weeks and my heart would break every time. It was just a toy for Pete’s sake! Why could I not just forget about it too?
All my life I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I had nightmares when I was expecting my first that I’d give birth to kittens. I would wake up so upset. In the dream I’d was happy to have them, but would think, “but I didn’t want to have kittens, I want a baby, a child to love and care for”. When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I would look at her and think, “I can’t believe this beautiful little girl is actually mine and I get to keep her”. I was so incredibly happy to believe after all the heart ache and pain I had gone through in my life, I was actually going to get what I wanted most. To be a wife, a mother and to have a happy family for the rest of my life, was now mine. What could possibly go wrong to wreck what I now have? I knew as long as we stick together, we would be able to overcome anything life threw at us. We had the most important thing, each other.
I’d hear of why people get a divorce and I, myself would do all that I could to make sure that wouldn’t happen to us. I was willing to make sacrifices to have what I have always wanted. I’d be damned if I was going to let myself have any part of it falling apart. No matter what, I’d be happy to have my family and making them happy always made me happy. If everyone in the family was doing this too, then what on earth could happen, right? I had people to love, that loved me too, it’s the best place on earth to be, or so I thought. I found out how much loving someone can hurt you so much. When the people I love are unhappy or hurting, I would feel their pain as well. I didn’t want those I love to feel this way, so I would do what I could to please them and make them happy again, then I was happy too.
I have often told myself, I need to change! I need to be more selfish, I need to care less and I need to more like other people. I don’t want to be like other people! You see, these “other people” are the people that have hurt me and have caused me grief. Why on earth would I want to be like them? Why would I want to be someone who could do such a thing to another person? I happen to like who I am and believe more people need to be more like me. Either way, comes with a price.