This Is My List

I Made It To Guide Me On My Quest To Find Love Again

I met someone a few years ago and allowed myself to love him with all my heart. At the time, I was in love with no other. I was at peace with my past love(s) and wanted to find love again. He told me he loved me and I mistakenly thought that love meant the same to him, as it did to me. Unfortunately for me, this was not the case. I can't help to wonder, what may have happened, if I had made a list. When we had just started dating, he asked me to make a list of what I wanted, of what was important to me in a relationship. I never did it.

At the time I couldn't make a list. How does one go about making a list that's based purely on, only what you know. I only knew what I didn't want based on what I have knowledge of. How could I know, if I want something, if I may not have experienced it yet. I actually thought it was kind of obvious what I wanted. I wanted what everyone else wants when they are searching for love...didn't I? Nope, I was way off base. I was wrong. It's not them who is wrong, simply because they do it differently. It was I, who assumed everyone felt like me. "I really have to quit doing that".

Not everyone feels bad when they see someone crying or puts the needs of their children before their personal wants, yet say they "love" them. I'm sure they do love them, just not the same way I love. Everyone feels differently about emotions that are verbalized with a simple, general meaning. Love, happiness, desire, sadness, grief, pain. No two people feel exactly the same, there are just too many variables.

He Simply Doesn't Love Me

I'm now in love with a man that doesn't love me back. I'm heartbroken, lonely, lost, sad, distressed and I do not know how to stop loving this man. I love this man like I have loved no other. There is no reason to dislike him. He did nothing wrong. He simply doesn't love me. It's not my fault. It's not his fault either. The only thing he did, was to no longer want to be with me. It was his choice and he is free to make that choice.........without explanation. We should all have that choice, unless a commitment has been made. Then you have some explaining to do!

If you want to know more, click here (once it is published).  It will explain my dilemma in a bit more detail. It will let you know the background behind my thinking. I feel like a complete fool, a real idiot at times and I still can not seem to reason with myself. I actually know what I need to do, but even the thought of it, makes me cry and literally makes my heart ache.

My Searching Has Led Me Here

I keep searching for ways to move on and get past the love I feel for him. I honestly do not want to be with someone whom no longer wishes to be with me. Just as when I met him, I wish to have an open heart that is free to love another. Searching for love is impossible to do if your heart belongs to someone else. In my search I keep running across advise suggesting I make a list. There must be something to this whole list thing. I'm willing to try anything once, if it will free my heart, so I may love again. I refuse to admit that he has spoiled me to a point that I will never love another. He has my heart and doesn't want it, so I want it back. I never want to give it to someone who really doesn't want it, ever again. 

I'm hoping the list will help me see things my love has blinded me from seeing. I believe it may be helping, because I've actually seen a few different men (my age) that I've had a curious attraction to. I have not been able to do this for a very long time. It gives me hope, I'm going to be able to move on again. It has inspired me to complete my list before I meet someone. When you have that "new boyfriend/girlfriend" feeling, there is no way to make an unobstructed emotional list. That's basically what it is, an emotional list, because it's all based on feelings and this can be very tricky.

More Posts To Come

I will be creating posts about my list and you will find them at the bottom of this page. I find that simply making a list of words that represent a feeling or action simply will not do. So I'm going to explain each one, as to what the word means to me. Love does not always have the same meaning to everyone. I've learned this one the hard way. I also have mixed feelings about some of the things on my list and I'll explain those as well. I am hoping this will help me heal and I'll be sure to give them my list, so there will be no misunderstandings next time. I'd never ask for more than, I, myself, am capable of doing.