December 27, 2016 with May 2017 Update
I have to say, I’m sorry, to those who have been following me. I dropped the ball and have not added much content lately. Life gets a bit out of hand now and then. I just couldn’t muster up any creativity and my heart wasn’t in it. Oh hell, my heart isn’t into a whole lot of anything lately.
I haven’t created a blog entry since May. As I look back, I can’t recall very much from the past few months. I do know one thing for certain, I needed to make some changes in how I think. Just a need to find peace with everything and be more forgiving of the actions of others, is not always that easy. I’m always wanting to know “why” so I might be able to understand better, but I’ve figured out, most people are ashamed to admit why they did or didn’t do something, so they will either tell you a lie or would rather say nothing at all.
Another lie never makes sense and nothing at all only leads to false conclusions. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out……………..so I’m going to quit trying.
I’ve really been trying to keep my happy face on and I’ve even had a few genuine smiles. It’s just such a constant struggle for me most of the time.
I’ve been having a hard time understanding how people can be so selfish. “What’s in it for me” seems to be the norm for so many people that I have met. A prime example would be those who claim to be good Christians. They do kind things for others or volunteer their time, because they believe they will be rewarded in the afterlife and fear what may happen if they do nothing. Do people no longer do good deeds or treat others with kindness for no reason any more? Have our lives become “more important” than anything else? It’s sad to think that society has turned such a blind eye to humanity.
Way back when….. people cared for one another and often went out of their way or even went without to help others. For example, if someone needed a barn, everyone who was able, would show up and build one for them. There was no reason behind their actions. They would see a need and respond. Now everyone seems to be climbing to the top and simply don’t care who they step on to get there.
Then there are those who feel they are better and “deserve” more than somebody else. Well, if your one of those people, perhaps you should look back and thank your lucky stars that those who have helped you along the way, didn’t feel like you do. If they did, then more than likely, you’d be in the same row boat as those you look down upon.
No Reason, Just Because
I had a cousin once, John, who saw and elderly man out mowing his grass on a very warm day and saw a need he could fulfill, so he pulled into the driveway and asked if he could finish mowing the lawn for him. At first the man was reluctant, but then happily accepted his offer and went inside to make some lemonade. John also helped people with their groceries or other odd jobs. He did it for no reason at all, it was to simply help when and where he was able.
Perhaps there was a reason for doing such things. Perhaps it was because it made him feel good inside to see people happy, rather than having to struggle. He was raised by good people, that set a good example. All of his brothers are kind caring individuals. I miss John, the world needs more people in it like him, but he was taken from us by a sleepy semi driver over 30 years ago. Yes, he was helping someone at the time…..he was doing something he honestly liked to do.
Who Cares
What has driven people to simply not care any more? NO, I’m not saying no one cares, I’m just saying the majority of our society, just “don’t care”. I’m beginning to believe that too many selfish people ask for help, yet do not help others, and this has made us a bit cynical over time. I have seen for myself, that those who are selfish often end up better off monetarily than those who are not. They are missing out on something in life though. I can’t quite put my finger on it or find the right word to describe it, because it’s just too big in a whole to it sum up. I know one thing for sure, it’s something I personally do not wish to give up, for my own selfish gain. Helping and caring for people, then getting a slap in the face (how it feels) in return, is not easy. Perhaps I’m just a gluten for punishment.
Sure, I’ve thought about it. I’ve told myself “it’s just not worth it”, after someone can’t appreciate what I have done or the sacrifices I have made. These feelings are usually only a thought and passes quickly after I remind myself that I had no intention of getting anything in return at the time, so why get upset or hurt when they do not behave as I would. I can’t give them to power to change who I am………….because, I happen to like me and as long as I can live with my actions, that’s all that matters. I have to quit trying to live with their actions, because they are not mine and I’ll never be able to understand them.
We are all responsible for our own actions and how we choose to live. We all have choices, all make mistakes, all have fears, all have sorrows, so I try to be understanding of this. I do hope that 2017 will be a year that people figure it out. “We are all different in many ways and we need to accept people for who they are”. Quit trying to change everything to your liking. You have a choice to accept or reject. People have to quit being offended by everything they disagree with. Only an individual can change how they behave or how they think…….NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS! We have to quit trying to “make” people change to suit “our” desires. If need be, tell them how you feel and get over it. Accept it for what it is and put it in the past where it belongs. You have a choice, so make one. Just make sure you can live with your choices.
Choice
I made a choice this year and was a bit worried I may regret it, but felt it was the right thing to do….for my kids. I gave my kids the gift of having their dad come for Christmas. See as though I don’t care for the man, this was quite surprising for my kids. I don’t like his choices or his actions, but he is the father to my children and I’ve always encouraged a good relationship with their father. If they can see me put my differences aside, accept him for the selfish SOB that he really is and invite him into my home, so they can spend the day with both parents, it may help them be able to let go of their ill feelings as well. You do not have to like someone to get along with them.
Yes, I had to give up a few things and the thought of him being all alone for Christmas was a bit rewarding to think of, but the joy it brought my children was far more rewarding. I have no regrets. Please note…he wouldn’t even let me in his house when I would come to pick up or drop off the kids (afraid I would see something that should have been mine or see that he was not living as poor of life that he claimed to have) Telling so many lies does have a price…..it will put you in a prison of your own doing. To live in fear your lies will be uncovered, is no way to live and quite often, people discover the truth and never call you out. They just know you can’t be trusted and can’t respect your choices. They just let you carry on as if your getting away with something……lol And a bonus, of watching you cluelessly make an A** of yourself, placing one lie on top of another.
You may be wonder what has inspired this post. Well, there is something that happened in my life that I had a very hard time dealing with. I loved and cared for someone very much. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for this man. We lived together for 3 years and then when I asked him why he didn’t stand up for me on a matter, he claimed it was because he “didn’t care”. I accepted his reply and broke off the relationship. About a year later he was diagnosed with CLL (leukemia). I couldn’t believe it and I was so worried about him. I loved this man, even though he did not feel the same for me. Not like it was his fault. Either you love someone or you don’t.
I saw a need and wanted to help him. I cooked meals for him, cleaned and sterilized his home after every chemo treatment. I’d rush over every time he needed me. I helped him move out when he found a new place to live. Helped him get all settled in to his new house, as he sat and did nothing. I cleaned his old home (manufactured in a park) and made it presentable enough to get rid of so he would not have to continue to pay lot rent. Even got rid of his house for him and all he had to do was show up to transfer the title.
On a couple occasions he said “I love you”and he called me his girlfriend. On his Birthday, I cooked him dinner, bought him gifts and he never gave me any indication he didn’t need me any more. Less than a week later, I get a text message right after I tried to call him about something. It said, “hey I just wanted to let you know I have kind of reconnected with an old school friend and want to see where it may go”. This broke my heart, shattered it, to say the least. I sent him an email letting him know that I Loved him and wanted to talk to him about a few things. I needed to know a few more details…..for my own peace of mind. All I want to do now is to heal and move on. There was no response, nothing. I honestly can not wrap my head around, how someone can be so heartless. Maybe it even has something to do with how stupid it was for me to care for such a selfish man. Why did I allow this man to rip my heart out a second time? The first time, it was his fault, the second time it was my fault, for letting myself believe he actually cared……….There will not be a third time. I will stop loving this man………..some how or another. I just can’t seem to get over him and move on and I really want to. It would probably be easier if we did not work together. I’d quit, but I need my job to make ends meet. Call me crazy, but when I tell someone that I love them………….I really mean it. It goes beyond words. I deserve better than this and I know it……………..just wish I could convince my heart of the same.
May-2017
I wrote this post quite some time ago and never published it. Not sure why. It is relevant to why I haven’t been posting very much, so figured I should publish it. I’m still quite heartbroken, but it’s getting better with time. Keeping myself too busy to think about him helps too. I’m going to sign up on Match and see what happens. Yes, this means I will be adding Match.com to my list of internet dating site reviews.
I don not like to work on the posts and pages of this site when I’m sad, mad, heartbroken, depressed or anything of the like. I’ve tried doing it before and I didn’t like how my post and pages were written. How I am feeling often show through in my posts. I really do not want this site to be an “all about me” website. It is one reason I added a personal section About Me. This section is so I can get things off my chest, share perspectives and share what is going on in my life.