From Emotional Tolls
It will make me happy because it is needed, not so I can go on a cruise or take a vacation to please myself. It’s because one of my daughters is in pain and needs costly jaw and dental work and I can’t help her. It’s because my son explained how he was going to take back pop cans for his homecoming ticket and would still be a little short, hoping I could kick in the rest and it broke my heart. Because asking my kids not to offer their friends food unless they ask, is a lot to ask of your kids. To be afraid the gas could get shut off and my pipes would freeze and the kids would be uncomfortable, is why I need money. Not having enough money is often costing me far more than if I did have enough to get by, which just makes the hole bigger. I know our living situation is affecting them in many ways. They don’t complain about how disappointing their life is and how they wish they lived like other people live, they know I’m doing the best I can do. They have seen how unfair life can be and how selfish people can be and it has affected them in many ways. They don’t understand it and I can’t explain it because I don’t even understand it myself.
I started to wonder today as I was writing and feeling quite low, if most people pleasers preferred cats over dogs as a pet. Cats bring me so much happiness. One of them out of the blue came up to me on the bed and sat there and looked at me. I said hello and told him how cute he was. He then came over and curled up next to me and rolled around looking as cute and adorable as he could be. I stopped crying for a while, until I started feeling bad that I really wasn’t able to care for him or the other cats as I should. One needs dental work and two need their shots. I felt bad that I had been so selfish having them in my life. They deserved to have an owner who could give them everything they need, not one who needed them to give me what we needed. At the time when I got them, I honestly thought I could provide for them. Things were tight, but I could squeeze it all in some how. Things happened and my circumstances changed again.
There would be so much less laughter in our home if it were not for the cats we have. I got the two latest additions because I wanted to make my two teenagers happy and we really needed some comic relief. They each wanted a cat and I had told them many times they would be able to have one when they got older. I didn’t want to have unintentionally lied to them. Circumstances were just not allowing it. I was depressed, my kids were depressed, getting new kittens was a way to find happiness in this hum drum, depressing life we were living. The joy they have given us is priceless. When my daughter expresses that her kitten makes her bad days better and that she is so happy to have him in her life, makes it worth the added stress I feel to have to take care of them. To see my son show interest, laugh and have pride in something is worth the price I have to pay. When we all gather and get involve in cat play, laughing till it hurts some times, it’s worth it. When I’m incredibly lonely a cat will come and do something for me. It will give to me what I have given to them. To have a cat love you, I mean really love you, is the best feeling. You see cats unlike dogs do not really need an owner. They can survive pretty well without one. Ferrell cats are proof of that. If they love you, it’s because they love you. They appreciate what you do for them and return the gratitude with purring, kneading and rubbing themselves all over you claiming you as their property. They want you, they don’t need you. Many dogs will come over and lick anyone’s face, but for a cat to come over and curl up in your lap is saying something about you. They are pretty picky ya’ know.
I’m mainly depressed because I can’t come up with a way to make a living with my health issues, so I blame myself and feel I should be able to overcome these obstacles to be able to provide for my kids and to keep from losing everything I do have. Which I am thankful for, don’t get me wrong. I know things could be worse and I’m certain others are in far worse situations than I am in. It’s only because I’m a people pleaser that makes me affected in ways others do not see or understand. It’s pure torture to not be able to do what I feel will make them happy. The only one suffering is me, only because I care so very much about making them happy. Am I deep down feeling their love for me will be depleted if I fail to make them happy? Maybe.
Who knows, maybe in a few years after the kids are all out of school, I’ll simply say, “your on your own, good luck” and do what it takes to be selfish and only focus on pleasing myself…….roflmbo. Wishful thinking, it can never happen. I know all to well how it feels to have people in your life who feel that way and I could never be like that. Maybe with any luck, I’ll just figure out a way to be able to make everyone happy and in turn it will be returned intentionally to me and I will have to be able to accept it when it presents itself. That may be the tricky part.
Another drawback of being a people pleaser is not many see the need to please a pleaser. Putting on your happy face and convincing everyone your fine is one of the traits a pleaser carries. Knowing the ones they care about are not happy, makes them unhappy, so they rarely allow others to feel the same way for them. They become very good at hiding their own unhappiness or distress, so not to make others feel bad in any way because they are unhappy that you are unhappy. I know all to well how this feels and I do not wish this on anyone. With the exception of those who care less about others feelings, but then again, because they care so little, they are incapable of feeling such a thing. It’s just not right.