How you choose to heal your broken heart,
May dictate how/if you love again
I have not been myself lately, because I’m in love with someone who simply doesn’t love me. There is no greater pain, than a broken heart. Believe me, I know this first hand. I also know the pain will not last forever. However, I do appear to have a very big heart. The bigger the heart, the greater the pain. I often wonder if having your heart broken over and over again causes it to “grow” each time it heals. Perhaps it never really heals completely at all. I feel as though it simply creates another layer to allow you to love again, with all your heart. With a new heart.
I love you with all of my heart.
It’s like a layer of protection. Some people are able to do this, because they are able to let go. We have a choices when our heart has been broken. Our first heartbreak, usually happens when we are children. Whether it’s the loss of a pet, a best friend or favorite toy, anyone may be heartbroken over this. How one handles this heartbreak is a crucial point in their young life.
I honestly believe that the children who chooses to and are encouraged to love again, will have a big heart one day. The children who decide to never allow themselves to love a new pet, best friend or toy as much as they loved the one they lost, will have a smaller heart. How we choose to deal with the pain of a broken heart the very first time it breaks, may very well dictate how we love again in the future.
I have come to this conclusion by analyzing situations with different people that I have met throughout my life. People who can not get past their past and continue to hold on to loss, just don’t love the same way as those who can let go and embrace what has been gained. Their heart just doesn’t seem to be as big as those who can gain something from loss.
Example
For example, a child loves something, such as a dog and the dog dies. The parent may not get another pet, because it broke the child’s heart. The child then learns, that by not having a dog, their heart will not break again when it dies. Face it, it’s going to happen, they don’t have the lifespan humans do. They teach the child to protect their heart, by not letting it love like that again. They may even choose a pet that the child can not have such a strong bond with, like a fish.
Another example, in the same situation, the parents get another dog and convince the child that this one is “better” than the other one was. The child learns to heal by disliking what they have lost. This negativity will only scar the heart as it heals. It won’t grow, because it no longer acknowledges the love that was there. They damage the love they once felt, because they don’t see what loving that pet has given them, only what was taken away. They then diminish that loss.
The example I experienced was not a dog, it was a cat. My parents would get another one to replace the one that had died. It was usually my dad. He loved his cats. Anyway, we would often remember how great the cat was that died, how much we loved them and allowed ourselves to carry that love over to the next cat. We would embrace their differences and their similarities. Saying goodbye was hard, but the love I felt can be felt again, it was just a little different…….my heart would still be broken, but I held it together with a new layer of love, not with scars. I allowed the love to remain in tact and could build off the foundation it had given me.
It didn’t diminish the love I had for the first cat. To love again is not a betrayal of a previous love that you can no longer have. It is a compliment. It means it was such a grand feeling, you want to feel it again. You know it won’t be the same, but it can be similar. It can be love, in every sense of the word, because you choose to allow it. It can also be every bit as grand as the first, if you can carry it over to the next love.
Bigger Isn’t Always Better
Having a big heart does not mean your love is any better, it’s just different. It loves on deeper level, longer and it also takes longer to heal when broken. A person with a big heart is harder to find and it’s harder to recognize. A person with a big heart “wants” to love forever.
Someone with a smaller heart, wants to love, only until it “hurts”. Once they begin to feel all those feelings that come with loving someone, those feelings they associate with the scars they may have, they are usually done. Out the door, disconnected and rarely look back. It is usually much easier for them to “fall in love”, it’s just harder for them to stay in love. Fear and a need to protect their heart will cheat them out of something that could be simply wonderful.
I often find myself wishing I had a small heart. I have spent more years of my life hurting, because I love so deeply, than I have spent being allowed to love. It’s all I have ever wanted and it’s caused me more pain, mental anguish, anxiety, misery and the list goes on and on, than anything else in my life. I personally think it’s worth it and it’s exciting to know it can happen again.
It’s too late to make it small, I know what it is to love someone completely. For me, there is no other way. The thought of having a heart so full of scars, that it can not love completely, freely and without reservation, scares me more than being brokenhearted again. Believe me, I want nothing more than to find a love that will not leave me brokenhearted, when they choose leave me by choice. Be it fear, rejection, or the need to have complete control over their feelings, they may leave me because of no fault of my own. It’s actually no body’s fault, it’s just not meant to be.
One thing I do not quite understand. I can love several cats at one time. I have four children and love each and every one. Loving both of my parents was easy. There are a few friends in my life, that I can honestly say “I love them”. Why can I not love more than one man at a time? It’s love, I know it is, in every sense of the word. What is it that makes me unable to even entertain the thought of loving someone else, romantically, if my heart belongs to another? I think it has to do with sex, intimacy and physical contact. It’s the only BIG difference between them. It has to be what separates a romantic love from all the rest.
I Will Love Again
I have made a choice, once again, as to how I will deal with my broken heart. I’m going to embrace the love I have for him. How I feel for him and I will allow myself to feel a love just as grand as this again some day. Sure, I take a risk of being heartbroken once again, but to never allow myself to love another just as much, would be a shame. I know it won’t be the same, it will be different, but it will still be a wholehearted love. There is no greater gift than love. Why deprive myself of this. Why should I endure such a thing, because I can’t figure out why he doesn’t love me.
Maybe he does love me. He just can’t love me as much as I love him. I believe his heart is just not as big as mine is. He has made a choice to not allow himself to love me, the way I chose to love him. Unrequited love is painful. It’s painful enough to begin scaring your heart, if you let it. You can also choose, not to scar it, not to replace all that love you once felt with resentment and anger. It takes a little longer and it is painful at times, but it’s worth it. To feel love is much better than feeling angry, bitter and resentful.
The Choice
I admit it. I’m in love and I would much rather love than hate. I’ve tried both and I didn’t like the way I felt when I was bitter, hurt, angry and frustrated. It isn’t his fault. Not my fault either. When he told me he loved me, he meant it at the time. He just didn’t have the same kind of heart I have. His heart has more than likely been broken, just as mine has been broken before, he chose to protect it differently than I had.
I will love again. I have no doubt about it. I’m going to allow it to happen. I may get hurt again and in the same breath, I may not get hurt. I know how great it is to love someone with all of my heart and when my heart heals, it will be able to do just that. It’s not all about how “they” make you feel, it’s about how you feel when you are with them, that really counts.
There Is A Price To Pay
The one who won’t return your love pays a price. They may not even realize it, because they don’t know any better. Every time they are eating dinner alone, watching a movie alone, have no one to talk to or do something with, they are paying a price. That isn’t the highest price they will pay, that one is, to never know how it feels to love someone with all of their heart. To never share their life with someone that loves them with all of their heart. They simply won’t or don’t know how to allow it.
Face it, love is some times painful. It’s never nothing but butterflies. When you love someone with all of your heart, there is also a price to pay. When you love someone with all of your heart, you tend to feel what they feel. I know that I love my children with all of my heart and when they hurt, I hurt. There are a lot of things that can cause you pain, why would anyone want to allow themselves to also feel the pain that someone else may feel?
You are now, two, three, four times more likely to have feelings that cause you distress. This is because, you allowed someone else in your heart besides yourself and you have little control as to what they feel. You have no control over the situations that cause them distress or sadness. Loving someone with all of your heart also allows them to be able to break it. It allows them to hurt you. On the other hand, you can also feel their joys.
Nothing Stronger Than Love
There is a plus side. The greatest emotion there is, is Love. Some say it’s Hate, hate can be dissolved by love. Some say it is Grief, but you can not grieve if you do not love. Love can cause physical as well as mental pain. People have actually died of a broken heart. Pretty strong stuff, if you ask me.
A broken heart will heal, if you let it. Pain will pass, if you allow it. Anger will fade, if you can just let go of it. All the feelings that can cause you emotional distress can be overcome if you love someone with all of your heart. A choice to love will always overcome the other emotions we may feel. I choose to love.
I’m brokenhearted. I’m sad, lonely and have a longing to be with this man who doesn’t love me. I choose to hold on to the love I feel for him……for now. My heart needs time to heal and only love can do this. Only love will allow your heart to become whole once again. I accept that he does not feel the same for me, as I do for him. This also makes me a little sad for him.
He has made a choice to throw away someone that loves him with all of their heart. I know the value of this and I would give nearly anything, pay nearly any price, to have someone love me is such a way. We have both lost. I have lost a love unlike any other I have ever known. He has lost a love that will more than likely never come again his way again.
Accept It Or Reject It
Everything you can love, you can also hate. You can hate peas. You make a choice to either replace them with the carrots you love, go without or choke them down and accept it. It’s all about moderation. If you reach for the carrots every time, you will soon end up hating carrots. If you choose to go without, you will be depriving yourself. To choke them down every time, you will start thinking those peas don’t taste so bad after all. If you are able to make different choices every time, it’s not so bad. You will be rewarded, fulfilled and sustained.
Love works the same way. There will be times, that you will find yourself having to make a choice. Will you choose to accept love or reject it? Will you see the real value of how it feels to love with all your heart? Can you see that love is priceless when you’re willing to pay a small price now and then? Your love can heal every emotional toll you may have to pay, if you make the choice to do so. Two hearts that love one another will heal twice as fast, as long as you keep them together.
You Can’t Force Love
You can not make someone Love you. Making someone dislike you is very easy, but you can not make someone love you. I know this and I’ve known it for a very long time. I tried to make myself love someone. It was someone I once loved with all of my heart. I tried for a few years, but it was no use. I stopped loving them when I lost all respect for them. They made me dislike them. They made choices I simply couldn’t have in my life.
At first I was hurt, then I was angry. It eventually caused me grief. It was only after I chose not to hold on to the anger, that I was able to heal. I was not able to love him again, but I was able to love again with all of my heart and it was wonderful,… while it lasted. If I had held back, afraid to be hurt again, I’d have never known the love I had for the man I currently love. It may not have lasted as long as I wanted it to, but the thought of never knowing the love that I felt for him tells me it was worth it. Yep, here it comes.”It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all”.
I’m not saying it was a perfect love, it was far from it. I doubt there is such a thing as a “perfect Love”. Perfection takes practice. You may think someone is perfect for you, but are you perfect for them? If this is not the case, he’s not perfect for you. If it is the case, it will not last if you do not both take the time or do what is needed to perfect it.
Conclusion
Maybe he never loved you in the first place. Perhaps it was nothing more than lust. This happens quite often. Lust gives you the illusion of being in love. They say those three words and you believe them. No one I know has ever told someone “I lust you”. Lust can become love, but love can not become lust. Those with a small heart often lust more often than love. Love requires a lot of work and a lot of emotional investment and more often than not, they are not willing to pay the price. I also believe it isn’t impossible for them to love, it’s just harder for them.
Anything Is Possible
A lasting relationship isn’t impossible between two people with different sized hearts. It is however harder to stay together, when one person has a bigger heart than the other. The person with the bigger heart will probably be hurt more often and this will make it more difficult for the one with the smaller heart to continue the effort. The minute they sense your pain, they associate it with the end of a previous relationship. They fear your unhappy and will be leaving them soon. This is where communication is so very important. The relationship will never survive if you do not talk to one another openly and honestly.
You must also communicate to one another with a great deal of respect and understanding for one another. You can not put someone on the defensive end of the conversation. “Why don’t you ever get me flowers”, is a good example. What should be said, would be, “I would love it if you got me flowers once in a while”. You can then explain why this is something you find important enough to talk about. You should also pick your conversations wisely. Think about how important it is to you. Why it is important and come up with a compromise, just in case.
I have found that people with a small heart also tend to keep things pretty tight to the vest. Especially when it comes to their feelings. They also tend to be very giving of things that do not require an emotional investment. I’ve seen cases where one person in a relationship that is not fulfilling the emotional needs, will often try to fill the void monetarily or with humor. They can only give what they are able to give, until they feel safe giving more.
It will take time and effort by both, but anything is possible if you both want it bad enough. Love is one of the greatest of the human emotions. Some have even referred to it as a phenomenon. To experience something that is phenomenal is pretty damn good, if you ask me. What is best of all, it can happen to anyone and everyone. No one is exempt, except those who choose to be exempt. Not everyone is fortunate enough to find love, but those who don’t may have also passed up the chance. You also need to go after it, it rarely just shows up at your front door.
If you have loved and lost, you can love again. Give yourself time to heal, allow yourself to love with a new heart. Allow love back into your life and fight harder to keep it. Be willing to make sacrifices, compromise and respect those who love differently. As long as it’s love, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Communicate with one another. A relationship without communication will be sure to fail.
Think About It
Have you ever loved or cared about another person that has hurt you? Do you blame them for your broken heart? Have you ever confronted them with nothing but negative emotions rushing through your veins? Perhaps you say something hurtful so they can feel pain as well, something you can never take back? Maybe something that you didn’t really mean, but you knew it would hurt them? Do you ever go on and on about how much they hurt you? Throw brokenhearted cries for help in social media posts in hopes they will be sure to know how sad you are. Hoping it will make them feel badly about their choices?
Think about it. If you really loved them, you would never hurt them. By reacting in such a way, you are scaring your heart. The only one you are hurting is yourself. You won’t be so miserable, if you cherish what you once had and give yourself time to heal. Feeling love in your heart is so much better than, resentment, hatred, sadness, bitterness, anger and all those other painful feelings.
Have To Share This
I wasn’t going to put this in this post, but really feel I should. If you find yourself in a “toxic” relationship, walk away, get out, get over it and move on as soon as you see the signs. Abuse in any form is toxic. Anyone that will cause you physical pain, mentally abuse and manipulate you, doesn’t love you! If it happens once and never happens again, it’s love, because they cared enough to ensure they never cause you pain like that ever again. If it happens twice, it will happen over and over again, if you allow it to continue. There are signs that you will clearly see if you open your eyes and look for them. Chances are, you will never love someone that shows signs of being toxic to you. You have to watch for the signs. Watch for signs of selfishness, love is not selfish.
I read these words when I fell in love the first time at the ripe old age of 14, “Love is Patient and Kind, never Jealous, Envious, Boastful or Proud. Love is not Haughty, Selfish or Rude. Love does not Demand it’s own way and Rejoices whenever Truth wins out”.
Wouldn’t it be grand to Love someone who Loves you too?
This post on a CNN website can explain the signs that may show you “How to avoid dating an abusive creep“.
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